Another year, another list of annoying things to complain about!
The list has been trimmed from 100 to 44 to help reduce our
carbon footprint. Who says we don't care about the environment?
44. Miley Cyrus
You’d think with all of those sold out Hannah Montana concerts;
she’d invest some cash in fixing that jack-o-lantern pile of
teeth in her mouth.
43. Second Life
Wouldn't "No Life" be a more applicable name? This online cyber
reality site is the most realistic simulation of furry sex and
flocks of flying penises the internet has ever seen.
42. Windows Vista
Operating systems are the only technology that seem become more
resource hungry and wasteful as they get “better”. I’m fully
convinced Microsoft is in bed with the RAM industry.
41. Muslim Extremists
When Salman Rushdie and a teddy bear are the biggest threats to
your religion, it's time to rethink things.
40. Shrek The Third
At least it wasn’t hard to come up with a review headline that
rhymed with the title.
39. 50 Cent
His share of Vitamin Water nets him over $400 million, and he
vows to never make another CD if he’s outsold by Kanye West. This
is like Warren Buffet threatening to quit his paper route.
photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images
38. Carrie Underwood
The only woman who's real life complexion still looks as if it's
been airbrushed.
37. Alec Baldwin's Daughter
That inconsiderate pig has no manners at all. When you ask your
daughter to tell her mother to “go fuck herself”, you better pass
that message on! Kids these days…
36. Hip Hop Hoodies
Since when did sweatshirts that look like MC Hammer's wrapping
paper qualify as cool?
:photo by Evan Agostini/Getty
Images
35. Tina Fey's Husband
He’s a lying, cheating jerk, and says mean things about Tina
behind her back. Are you reading this, Tina? Call me if you need
a shoulder to cry on.
34. Steve Fossett
Not satisfied with his numerous aviation records, he had to go
and break Amelia Earhart’s, too.
33.Fred Goldman Honors his dead son
by publishing O.J.’s “imaginary” account of the murder. Look, I’m
all for bankrupting Simpson, but suing him to get the recyclables
out of his trash is going too far. Also, Fred, that style of
’stache looked dated even on Geppetto.
32. David Beckham
LA Galaxy's plan to revitalize American soccer by having Becks
sit on a bench failed miserably.
31. VH1’s I Love New York
Just imagine the improvement of America's gene pool if someone
bombed the cast of this show. They should rename it “I
Love Chlamydia.”
30. The Eagles
In 2004, Don Henley complained about big chains squeezing out
small record stores so he helps out by making the new Eagles CD a
Wal-Mart only exclusive. Look for him to help end racism next
year by letting the KKK sponsor their concert tour.
29. American Idol
If a nationwide best singer competition gives us Sanjaya Malakar and
Chris Sligh as finalists, it's time to give up on music forever.
28 . Two Girls One Cup
I may never eat Wendy's Frosties again. Kudos to those ladies for
teaching kids to share, though.
27. Cavemen
Well, the writer’s strike was good for something.
26. Michael Vick
Hopefully his prison sentence is in dog years
25. Jay Z's Song Intros
His annoying preludes are the pop up ads of the music world. Do
we really need to hear “Yo Yo…this is Rihanna” on a song after we
already bought her CD?
24. The Washington Generals
They haven't won a game in 30 years and still can't get a good
draft pick. Still might beat The Sacramento Kings, though.
23. Amazon Kindle
This groundbreaking electronic book reader is supposed to reduce
newspaper consumption, but it’s pretty damn wasteful lining the
bottom of your birdcage with them. Also, good job naming your
invention after something you use to burn things with. Bradbury
was a prophet.
21. HBO
They pull the cord on Deadwood to give us a canceled
season of John from Cincinnati.
Thanks for nothing, ya loopy &*$#S!
20. Misuse of Apostrophe’s
It never ceases to amaze me the number of business’es that can’t
figure out how to use them correctly.
19. People Who Email Me…
…telling me how stupid I am for being an “Apostrophe Hypocrite!”
18. T-Pain
His latest CD features songs where he both brags about how much
money he has, and the free drinks he gets for dating a bartender.
Listen for his new single “Bonin’ The Hot Dog On A Stick Hos for
Free Corn Dogs” on the radio soon.
17. Missing White Girls
From Baby Maddie to Natalie Hollaway it’s clear that there’s a
problem. You never see kidnapped minority kids on TV.
16. Amy Winehouse
You expect Britney Spears to fall apart, but it’s a damn shame to
see Winehouse spiral downward with all the great talent she has.
And hats off to Amy for supporting tattoo artists with
Parkinson’s Disease.
15. Britney Spears Fan Chris
Crocker
Thousands of years from now, aliens will explore earth’s wreckage
and find the video of Chris crying “Leave Britney Alone” shortly
before committing suicide by laser gun.
14. Santa Claus
Why does he keep giving so many toys to rich kids, and leave the
poor ones scrambling for donated knock-off Barbies from the 99
cent store? Apparently The Polar Express doesn’t run through the
bad neighborhoods.
13. Gordon Ramsey
I’m just waiting for the episode of Hell’s Kitchen where the fed
up chefs cut him up to bits and serve him as a pot-pie.
12. A Shot At Love With Tila
Tequila
You know you’re trashy when you make Flavor Flav’s dating show
look classy by comparison. At least it’s an aptly named show,
because everyone will certainly need a shot of some sort once
they leave the set.
11. Bodies…The Exhibition
If you want to see a bunch of bodies in numerous states of
evisceration, save yourself some dough and just check out my
basement.
10. The Sopranos Finale
The “fill in the blanks” ending with Tony and family in a diner
while Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” played followed by a jump
to blackness was more of a cop-out than clever. Though short of
that Russian from the “Pine Barrens” rushing in with Furio and
the floating head of Ralphie, nobody could have been satisfied,
anyway.
9. Al Sharpton and Don Imus
How far has the civil rights movement fallen when these two have
become the spokespersons for black and white America?
8. Larry Birkhead
Somehow Anna Nicole Smith managed to breed with the one human
being more evolutionary challenged than her. Poor Daniellyn would
actually be better off with Federline raising her.
7. China
Years after getting over the whole “Pee Pee In Coke” scandals of
the ‘70s, China is back in trouble with lead painted toys. Of
course, you have to love the outraged parents who are so
concerned about the safety of the playthings in the Chicken
McNuggett Happy Meals.
6. Hugo Chavez
At least Venezuelans had the common sense to not give him
constitutional power to make him king of the universe forever
plus infinity. They should let Chavez face North Korea’s Kim Jong
Il, and Iran’s Ahmedinajad in a pay per view “Crazy Off.”
5. “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”
The incomprehensible lyrics in this song sound like it was
written with one of those magnetic poetry sets. I never thought
I’d yearn for the more hardcore days of hip-hop songs like
“Chicken Noodle Soup” and “Laffy Taffy”.
4. God
Gotta blame somebody for Republicans and Veggie Tales.
3. Bee Movie
Hype
I could swear I saw Jerry Seinfeld in The Zapruder film plugging
his damn Bee Movie.
2. Senator Larry Craig
Forget all the claims of hot gay airport bathroom sex; the real
scandal is that asshole never puts the seat back down when he’s
through.
1. Britney Spears Coverage
Do we need 50 photographers documenting every time she wipes her
ass? Of course, Britney doesn’t help much when she’s using her
kids to wipe it with.
For the last 3 years, the kind
folks at The Sacramento News and Review have allowed me to do a
special bonus feature with the most annoying things in
Sacramento.
