If
there's one thing that kids have in common, it's a love of toys.
Whether your parents got you ever latest new flashy thing, or you
just found an armless GI JOE to pass the time with, toys have
played an important role in all of our lives. We've created
an initial selection of honorees to be inducted into our BOX OF
GLORY, and will add new ones each year. There's an address at
the end of the article to suggest your own. So without further
adieu, here's our maiden honorees!
BARREL OF MONKEYS
This game is more fun than...well, you know (HAW! HAW! HAW!).
Seriously, it was pretty cool to dump these dudes on the floor
and connect them into a giant chain o' monkeys. They should make
a version with plastic Robert Downey Jr.'s and Courtney Loves
called "Barrel of Junkies".
TRACER GUN
This is one of those toys you'd always see for sale at a grocery
store and bug your mother for incessantly while she shut you out
and focused on the latest Weekly World News headline instead.
You were always guaranteed to lose at least half of your ammo
within one day after getting one of these great guns. Some
versions would even work with pennies!
VERTI-BIRD
This cool toy featured a helicopter on an arm that would fly in a
circle and you could make it go up and down. Apparently too many
stupid kids liked to let the plastic propeller cut their eyes
open as it flew by, so they took it off the market. If you get
action figures of Vic Morrow and 2 Asian kids, you can re-enact a
scene from TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE for extra coolness.
SUCKER-MAN
Despite the name, it's not a toy endorsed by Ron Jeremy, but
Sucker-Man was pretty darn cool. You'd just get him wet, then
throw him on the wall, and ... he'd stick there! Just like a
puppy, only without the annoying whimpering sounds and blood
stains. They also had a Glow In The Dark Sucker-Man, for night
time Sucker-Man action!
VIEW-MASTER
I
spent many an hour with my View-Master camera staring at reels of
the 1966 Batman TV show because there were tons of sexy Julie
Newmar Catwoman pictures. Good thing you only needed one hand to
use it!
SIMON
This maddeningly addictive game was introduced in the 70s and is
still made to this day. By repeating the sequence of colored
lights, you'd drive yourself nuts in no time. It's the second
best selling electronic family game of all time, next to Kenner's
POW Testicle Shock-o-Rama Playset.
MILKY THE MARVELOUS MILKING COW
After drinking water, you could squeeze Milky's udder and collect
her milk in a bucket. Now if only they'd make a version of this
featuring Jenna Jameson, my life would be complete. They
actually made a follow up to this toy called "Gobbles the Garbage
Eating Goat". Trash Film director John Waters has a hilarious
write up of it in his essay, "Why I Love Christmas", that I've
excerpted below:
"That crazy eating goat" reads the delightful package, and in
small print, "Contains: One realistic goat with head that goes up
and down. Comes complete with seven pieces of pretend garbage."
This Kenner Discovery Time toy's instructions are priceless.
"Gobbles loves to eat garbage when he's hungry, and he's ALWAYS
hungry. (1) Hold Gobbles mouth open by the beard. Stuff a piece
of pretend garbage straight into his mouth and (2) pump the tail
until the garbage disappears." It ends with an ominous warning,
"Feed Gobbles only the garbage that comes with the toy," and in
even smaller print "If you need additional garbage, we will, as a
service, send it to you direct. For 14 pieces of garbage send $1
(check or money order; sorry, no C.O.D.) to . . . . " I can't
tell you the hours of fun I've had with Gobbles. Sometimes when
I'm very bored, Gobbles and I get naked and play-play.
THE GREAT GARLOO
How
could a toy called The Great Garloo not be cool? A mix between
The Creature From The Black Lagoon and a caveman, this battery
powered remote control toy from 1962 is one of the more sought
after monster collectibles of all time. Howard Stern has even
mentioned that this was the greatest toy he was ever given as a
kid.
THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN
Definitely one of the cooler action figures ever made, this
Bionic Man doll had a bionic eye you could look through, a button
in his back that could lift an engine, and a bizarre rubber arm
skin that you could roll down like a condom to look at his bionic
circuitry. You could also use him to slap around your sister's
Farrah Fawcett Majors doll. Also, if you put a rolled up sock
under his shirt, you have an instant Fall-Guy action figure.
OUIJA: THE MYSTIFYING ORACLE
In
these days of cell phones and Palm Pilots, it's nice to remember
the days when you'd talk to the evil spirits of beyond with a
good old fashioned Ouija Board. Captain Howdy says, "Hi!" There
was a girl named Susan who lived down the street that told me if
you took apart the board, you would find Satan's brain inside. I
wonder what asylum she's living in now?
KENNER GIVE A SHOW PROJECTOR
This was great because you could watch cartoon slideshows in your
room after everyone was asleep. I never could figure out how to
cut out pictures from my dad's Playboys and make them work
inside, but someday I will. Someday...
HOLLY HOBBY
Holly Hobby was a fun doll in the 70s that sort of cashed in on
that "Little House on The Prairie" look. The follow up doll,
Betty Bukkake, caused much outrage, however, and was taken off
store shelves, immediately.
THE GHOST GUN
This is one of those toys that I'd cut off a thumb to get! A
buddy of mine had one and I still think it's cool as hell. You'd
put these film strips of ghosts in the gun and they'd be
projected on the wall. The gun would shoot little pellets
through the strip and it'd look like you were shooting the ghost
on the wall. These can go for $200 easily when and if they are
for sale. I'll be your best friend if you buy me one, honest!
BATTLING TOPS
Battling tops were great simple fun. As these little dudes spun
around and knocked in to each other, hours of delight would be
had.
CARE BEARS
These loveable little bears had different symbols to express
their personality on their chest. Good Luck Bear had a shamrock,
Grumpy had a cloud, Sunshine had a sun, and Goatse had a huge
gaping anus embroidered on his tummy.
MAGIC 8 BALL
When I was a kid, I'd spent hours playing with my Magic 8 Ball.
So much that its answers became a part of my everyday
conversations. Of course, when my parents would ask "How was
school today?", and I'd throw back "Try again later!" or "It is
certain", they got fed up and threw it away. Goodbye Magic 8
Ball! I still love you.
MICRONAUTS
Now
these things were the coolest. All kinds of robots, big and
small, were available that you could mix and match and make into
all kinds of other new robots. They even spawned a pretty cool
Marvel Comic with gorgeous art from Michael Golden. They're
pretty cheap on eBay (the comics) and I highly recommend reading
them if you ever get a chance. My favorite was issue #7 where
they fought the Man-Thing. They were really tiny, you see, so it
was extra cool to see them fighting this giant sized Man-Thing.
I haven't seen a giant sized Man-Thing that was that scary since
John Holmes died.
WEEBLES
These little egg-shaped dudes were pretty fun. The commercial
slogan was "Weebles Wobble but They Don't Fall Down." I took
this as a personal challenge, however. Due to their weighted
bottom, they would pop back up if you knocked them over, so I
would get out a hammer and smash them to pieces while screaming,
"Stay down, BITCH! STAY THE FUCK DOWN!" My parents never bought
me Weebles again after that, or let me play with other children,
for that matter.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
My
dad once told me that he spent hours on an Etch-A-Sketch drawing
with the tiny lines until all the silver-dust was gone and you
could see the inside. This spoiled using these toys for me, as I
always felt it was my duty to color the whole screen black
instead of actually drawing pictures with it.
EVEL KNIEVEL
These toys were awesome. You'd pop Evel and his cycle on his
launching pad, rev up the crank on the side, and then he'd go
zooming down your driveway and crash into a broken heap, just
like the real Evel Knievel. I heard Evel talking on Jim Rome's
radio show about his jump over Snake River Canyon, and he said he
figured he only had a 50% chance of survival. When Rome asked
why he'd do something with such risky odds, Evel replied, "Do you
know who I am?" Though the toys were kick-ass, the doll itself
was pretty shitty, as his body was made with pipe cleaner wire
covered with shitty rubber, just like my high school prom date
(don't ask!).
THE LEMON TWIST
This toy was pretty cool for the girls in my neighborhood. You'd
put a shackle around your ankle and then skip in place for hours
while a lemon at the end of the rope twirled in a circle. For
guys with annoying sisters, this toy was a gift from God to keep
them out of your hair for hours. The follow up toy, Aborted Pig
Fetus Twist, was a bit too shocking for parents to buy, and was a
huge failure for the company.
STRETCH ARMSTRONG & STRETCH MONSTER
Kids around in the 60s will never forget the day they were when
John F. Kennedy was shot, while kids of the 70s will always
remember the moment when they first pulled Stretch Armstrong too
hard and watched his red sappy goo drip everywhere. They brought
him back in the late 80s but this time he was filled with cheap
Styrofoam beads that didn't taste anywhere near as good as his
original filling.
SLINKY
What walks downstairs and makes that slinkety sound? No it's not
your grandmother after you liquored her up and fed her the
contents of your piggy bank, it's SLINKY! My mom bought me one
of these, however we lived in a one story house with no stairs,
so it was pretty useless. Every Slinky I owned would end up a
tangled mess because I'd swing it around in the air like some
crazy steel spring lasso.
SSP SMASH UP DERBY
After being unsuccessfully marketed as "DUI Highway Death-Orgy",
Kenner wizened up and re-titled the toy SSP Smash Up Derby.
These were the epitome of awesome. You and a buddy would put a
ripcord into the back of your car and pull it out, causing the
back tires to whiz real fast and smash into the other vehicle.
Spring loaded pieces would fly off as you'd laugh and laugh and
laugh. I used to take my mom's James Dean and Jayne Mansfield
collector figurines and reenact their famous accidents. Though
it's pretty hard to get Jayne's head back on after the first
time.
MR. POTATO HEAD
Everyone's played with toy at least once in their life. Believe
it or not, the original version just had the plastic accessories
and you were supposed to stick them in a real potato. I remember
my Mr. Potato Head came with a felt mustache, but I had to throw
it away cause I stuck into my own nose and it got coated with
globs of snot.
ANT-FARM
We
were too poor to afford an ant-farm so we used the corpse of an
old hobo and had a maggot farm alternative that was equally
educational and frankly more fun to sleep with at night time.
THE SNOOPY SNOW CONE MACHINE
There was something totally cool about making your own snow
cones, that made The Snoopy Snow cone Machine a great toy to
have. All you needed was a few ice cubes, and the strength of 20
men to push down on it hard enough while you turned the crank and
got a shot glass sized sample of snow to dump Kool-Aid on.
Thanks, Snoopy!
CANDY LAND
Candy Land's color based game play made it so you didn't have to
know how to read or count to play the thing, which makes it great
young kids who are just learning to play games for the first
time, and people from West Virginia.
