Before videogames like Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, you had
this awesome toy! Nothing could beat that great "SKIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
sound it would make when you'd give that perfect red-fisted
uppercut to the blue robot. If only our world leaders could
settle their differences with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, we'd be
living in a happy world indeed.
CABBAGE PATCH KIDS
This was perhaps the first toy whose demand was so strong, it
encouraged parents to beat the shit out of each other in toy
stores to get them. The original dolls were kind of neat,
complete with their unique names and adoption certificates, but
it wasn't until they made the famous Snack-Time Cabbage Patch
Kid, that it achieved its true level of coolness. A motor in
their mouth would let them eat french fries, but when a lock of
hair got stuck inside, they hungry doll would gulp it down clear
to the poor kid's scalp. There is no truth to the rumor that
Michael Jackson asked Coleco to modify the model and produce a
"Cock Gobblin' Kid", however.
LINCOLN LOGS
Back in Abe Lincoln's day, they were just called "Logs", but this
toy has persevered through the ages so kids can have hours of fun
making log cabins. Unlike Legos, Lincoln Logs never had much
success with their movie tie-in kits, with the Star Wars Lincoln
Log set providing mostly confusion to kids trying to fashion a
Death Star out of notched wooden logs.
MATTEL ELECTRONIC FOOTBALL
Long before Gameboy, (or something called graphics, for that
matter), was the original handheld game, Mattel's Electronic
Football. The action was limited to moving indiscernible dots on
a playing field, but it was still more exciting than watching The
Cincinnati Bengals play in real life.
SMURFS
Smurfs were a great collectible for the little girls and gay boys
in my neighborhood growing up. With over 2,000 different
characters from Brainy Smurf to Colostomy Smurf, it was nearly
impossible to collect them all, but it was fun to try. And who
could forget their wonderful theme song, "La la la la la la, la
la la la la!" I haven't heard lyrics that cool since Mon Chi Chi
was taken off the market.
SLIME
If
ever there was a toy they shoul bring back for nostalgia's sake
that would sell like hotcakes (and you know how good hotcakes
sell), it would be Mattel's Slime. The original came in a green
trash can and was a glob of salty smelling Hulk Spooge that would
drip all the way down your arm if you'd hold it in the air.
Later, they came out with varieties like Slime With Worms, and
Slime Eyeballs! There's Nickelodeon endorsed versions of slime
called GACK! SPLAT! and JIZZ!, but Mattel's was the best.
CLACKERS
Of
the many dangerous toys pulled off the market, perhaps the most
justifiable were Clackers. Essentially a bolo on a stick, you
were supposed to shake them up and down so the balls would
repeatedly clack together, but more often than not you'd soon
hear the clacking sound they'd make against a kid's skull.
ERECTOR SET
Just saying this name out loud makes it one of the coolest toys
of all time. Only the smart kids really had much success with
these, however, as it required an advanced degree in Engineering
to use.
RUBIK'S CUBE
One
of the great time wasters, this was perhaps one of the biggest
selling toys of the 80s. So popular were these infuriating
things, that tournaments with giant cash prizes were held to see
who could solve them the quickest. Other toys like Rubik's
Snake, and Rubik's Revenge were soon introduced to cash in on the
popularity, but the bizarre fishy smelling hair-covered Pubik's
Cube was the final straw for the line.
DAISY AIR RIFLE
The
holy grail of the hero from "A Christmas Story", this NRA gateway
drug has been a favorite of many a lad since their inception.
Check out this
HILARIOUS COMIC BOOK AD for them! What a cool dad to
actually make boxes full of paper for an IN-HOUSE SHOOTING
RANGE! I love the weird quote at the end "Bill's Dad and I are
almost as tickled with indoor shooting as Bill is!" Are these
Dylan Klebold's parents?
BIG WHEEL
Between that magic period when you were too big for a tricycle,
but not quite big enough for a bike, the great Marx Big-Wheel was
the vehicle of choice. The coolest thing about these was going
at your top speed (7MPH), and then jamming on the break and
spinning out. Invariably, the back wheels would begin to split
and you'd end up riding them scooter-style with one foot on the
seat. In an attempt to hold on to the boys getting older, Marx
released a sleeker version called THE
GREEN MACHINE with a slogan, "For Guys 8, 9, and 10 years
old, who really know how to ride!" Funny, that's Michael
Jackson's slogan, as well.
JARTS
The
grand-daddy of dangerous toys has to be the famous Lawn Darts (or
JARTS, as some versions were marketed as). This once popular
game was all the rage until a 7 year old girl was impaled in the
head by an errant toss. The grieving father took the case to
court, and the Consumer Product Safety Commission argued that
they had only received less than a dozen injury complaints.
After being pressed to investigate further, they found that in
one year, there was 6700 injuries and 3 deaths related to the
seemingly innocent toys. The blunt metal tip, as it comes
crashing to the earth, can generate a whopping 23,000 pounds per
sq. inch of force, making it no problem to turn a kid's head into
a pincushion. In 1988 they were not only
recalled, but made illegal to sell, even in thrift stores.
ATARI 2600
It's not the first videogame system, but Atari's
2600 cartridge based console was clearly the most successful of
the vintage platforms, with over 500 games released before fading
away to the likes of Nintendo and Playstation. The simple beauty
and elegance of the low memory games and easy to use joysticks
made them a family favorite for a long time.
There's a great program called
"Stella" which you can download from
ATARILAND for
free that plays all the old Atari games right on your computer.
And as the games are all about 4K or less, you can download the
entire catalog in 4 different sections
HERE. Atari even had
PORNO GAMES
if you can believe it!
MEGO'S WORLD'S GREATEST SUPERHEROES
Back before superhero toys were tiny hunks of crappy plastic you
could fit in your pocket, Mego made "The World's Greatest
Superheroes" which had real cloth costumes (complete with gloves
that you'd usually lose in a day). Most male collectors grimace
at the term "dolls" to describe them, insisting they should be
called "Action Figures" instead. Of course, most of those same
people look forward to a hot date with their fist, a jar of
Vaseline, and Mork & Mindy fan fiction, so I don't take their
opinion much to heart.
MY LITTLE PONY
These little creatures were some of the hottest toys for girls of
all time, with knockoff versions still available to this day.
I've owned and collected many of them through the years, myself,
and you can read about some of my favorites,
RIGHT HERE.
CAP GUNS
When I was a kid, you could shout, "I'm gonna bust a cap in yo'
ass" without getting in trouble, 'cause it was totally OK! Cap
guns were fantastic treasures, making a ton of noise and giving
you the glee of killing without the remorse of guilt that would
follow if you really went through with it. There were small
plastic caps for some guns, but my favorites were the tiny red
rolls of paper caps that you'd tear of. I remember wrapping
about 6 rolls of caps around a stick and setting it on fire,
watching it pop all over the place. Those were the days! Of
course, you can't get any realistic looking toy guns anymore,
they're all day-glo orange. Maybe if we can convince gangs to
start spray painting their guns orange, they'll make the toy ones
look real again.
THE EASYBAKE OVEN
Man, when you were a kid, there was nothing yummier than a "just
add water" cake baked in a light bulb powered oven! These were
pulled from the market for a short time in the 80s, after kids
found with just small modifications they could make an Easy Bake
Meth Lab.
SLING SHOT
From Dennis The Menace to Bart Simpson, the sling shot has been a
standard issue toy for troubled cartoon boys since the Dawn of
Man.
NERF FOOTBALL
The
nostalgia of backyard football games with a Nerf ball is
something I'll never forget. I always seemed to catch with my
face, so these things were a godsend. There used to be this
great commercial for them that went, "Nerf Football... RAH RAH
RAH!". Remember how you'd play with these on a rainy day and
they'd gain 8 pound of water and splash your face with each
catch? It was OK with the footballs, but the Nerf Basketballs
became completely unusable once they got wet. I'm still waiting
for the Nerf Girlfriend, myself.
SLOT RACERS
I
always had such a tough time with these, as every slot racing
experience I ever had resulted in the car flying off the track on
the first hairpin turn, cause I could never control my speed
properly. We had one called TCR: TOTAL CONTROL RACING that was
pretty cool, that let you change lanes! I imagine racing
videogames have diminished the popularity of these over time,
however.
SILLY PUTTY
A
failed experiment to invent a new kind of rubber for military use
resulted in Silly Putty! One of the cool things you could do was
press it on a newspaper comic strip, and it would lift the image
off. You could stretch it and warp it, and perform impossible
feats like actually making Fred Basset funny.
TONKA TRUCK
The
staple of any sandbox (next to catshit), these rough metal trucks
were one of the most durable and long lasting toys ever created.
They even had commercials in the 70s that showed an elephant
stepping on one, to show you how tough they were. I always
thought Tonka could make a killing if they'd license their name
to make real cars, as most guys would identify with the strength
and trust the brand. Of course I also think that licensing the
Summer's Eve brand into a line of Popsicles is a good idea, so
what the hell do I know?
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE
For
a while I was teased by other kids in my 5th grade class by them
singing the Strawberry Shortcake theme song with "Bob Berry
Shortcake" instead. Those assholes didn't know that one day, I'd
get my own website and get revenge on them here someday! FUCK
YOU ERIC COKER! FUCK YOU TO HELL!
GI JOE WITH KUNG FU GRIP
What did GI Joe have in common with my ideal girlfriend? No, not
stubbly facial hair, it was KUNG-FU GRIP! Man these old Joes
were great. You could bury them, throw them, and drop them off a
bridge, and they'd always come back for more! It was a crime
when Hasbro brought him back in the 80s as 3 inch tall
wimp-a-troopers, but at least they've wised up and have restored
him back to his original size again.
FRISBEE
How
could you not like Frisbees? I love this ad, which reminds you
that it "Flies like CRAZY!" Crazy like a Frisbee Fox, that is!
STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES
As
much as I despise smaller action figures, there's an eternal
charm to the Star Wars dolls that I can't resist. While Lucas
was negotiating the budget with 20th Century Fox for his first
Star Wars film, they foolishly let him have all the toy rights,
figuring movie tie in action figures were no big deal (and in
1977 they weren't). To date, Lucas has made Eleventy Quintrllion
Dollars from these toys.
TOY TRAINS
First introduced in 1547, it wasn't until real trains were
invented in the 1800s that toy trains really took off. I always
loved those scenes in The Addams Family TV show when Gomez would
set up elaborate toy train wrecks.
LEGOS
Any
toy that can spawn sickness like
THIS is OK by
me.
JUMP ROPE
Though my experiences with jump rope usually involved swinging it
over my head once, then tripping on my face, I was always in awe
of those kids that could do all those freaky hyperspeed rope
tricks like spinning around, touching their toes, and performing
Advanced Calculus, while two ropes swung around them. The rhymes
were pretty cool, too, though there was this one that went,
"Cinderella dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss a fellow,
made a mistake and kissed a snake!" It seems like a pretty
bizarre mistake for Cinderella to make, unless she was planning
some hot oral action.
MARBLES
Back before kids had real toys, marbles were all the rage. Like
a primitive form of Magic The Gathering or Pokemon, kids would
gather and battle against their pals in hopes of catching all the
other marbles. I'd play with them today, but it turns out, "I've
lost all my marbles!" Haw Haw Haw! (Sorry, I just put that joke
there so my Grandpa could get a laugh).
GREEN ARMY MEN
Perhaps no toy taught a boy about the horrors of war more
effectively than little green army men. You could spend hours
posing and moving them around in your backyard simulating all the
great battles you saw on movies and TV. I even bought a few
Asian Barbie dolls, so they could enjoy their weekend passes with
style.
YO-YO
The
YO-YO may be the only toy who's name has been used for an
Asian Cello Player and a
fat black rapping chick! Popular for more than 2000 years,
it's said that even Jesus owned one as a boy! Of course, his
"Turning the Yo Yo Into Enough Fish and Bread to Feed Thousdands"
trick has been pretty damn tough for even the most proficient
Yo-Yo experts to duplicate.
HOT WHEELS
Hot
Wheels, Matchbox, and Johnny Lightning cars were always cool to
keep in your pocket as an easy toy to take around on long trips.
The best way to play with them, however, was with those super
cool race tracks made out of orange plastic that you could set up
in all sort of crazy patterns.
BARBIE
With the exception of those pictures of your mother we passed
around, undressing a Barbie doll was the most common way for a
kid to see a naked lady for the first time. What a shock it was
for me to learn that real women had nipples and genitalia! And
what a double shock it was for me to learn that real women didn't
have a penis, after that horrible hooker incident in 1989!
TEDDY BEAR
Perhaps I'm just weak, sentimental, or, oh how do you say it, a
sissy, but I think The Teddy Bear is the coolest toy of all
time. You can take them anywhere, sleep with them when you're
scared, and cut open their backs with a steak knife, and mom will
happily sew them up again with a promise to never tell Dad as
long as you give her $5 and wash the dishes.
So,
did I forget your favorite toy? Email me at the address below
and ask "how could I dare leave out (insert lame toy here)"
